By: Karissa Arce
As an adult, we are expected to know what is right and what is wrong. We are expected to act in a certain way that is socially acceptable and respond in a respectful manner. When it comes to children, we often forget that while we want them to be like that, it’s not going to happen if we are not modeling to them the actions that they need to know. Unlike adults, children are still learning about the world and learning about themselves. They are developing coping mechanisms, learning about cause and effect, and understanding boundaries while they struggle to express or voice out what they are feeling.
One time, I had a conversation with an exasperated mother of two. I had the privilege of teaching both of her kids and they were both amusing and street smart! I remember telling her how I find it really interesting that both her kids are observant and can pick up cues fast. The mom however has her own theory – “my kids are experts at manipulation.” At first, I thought she was joking, but apparently that’s what she feels because her children like to “test” her patience and they end up getting their way all the time.
There’s a whole lot to unpack there and I know there are other mothers out there who feel this way – heard this several times over the years. Let me try to give you a different insight on this one. Let’s unpack together, shall we?
First, children are not manipulators nor are they trying to manipulate you. Remember, they are learning about the world and about themselves. The fact that they cannot communicate well how they really feel or name the myriad of emotions they are experiencing, it overwhelms them. Let’s say, you went to the mall, and you happened to pass by a toy store. Your child saw a big robot and they wanted it. You refused to buy the toy because they already have a lot of toys at home. Your child kept pushing for you to buy it until they started crying and throwing a fit. You eventually gave in and bought it. The child stopped crying and this behavior was repeated several times. What did they learn from this? If they cry hard, they will get what they want. How did they come up with that conclusion? Because of your repeated response to that same behavior. Instead of explaining to the child why it’s a no and that crying will not get them what they want, you give in. We have to be mindful of what we allow and do not allow while providing the child with reasonable explanation.
Second, they are not testing your patience, they are exploring possibilities. It’s not about you, it’s about their curiosity. Just like adults, sometimes, we do things we know we’re not supposed to do because we are curious and maybe, just maybe, the result might be different. Children are curious creatures. They like to try different things that sparks interest at any given time of the day. We can help them redirect that curiosity or urge to try something else especially if we know that they will get badly hurt. Or sometimes, we let them fall a little bit, scrape their knees – first-hand experiences teaches them why it was not a good idea in the first place. (Just make sure that if you let them do whatever they are trying to do, let natural consequences take its course and help them process what happened.)
Third, they are learning what boundaries are about. Telling your child, not without explaining to them the reason behind it makes it confusing. I talked about this before in one of my previous articles – the importance of clear communication. “No, you cannot eat chips for lunch because that’s a snack” vs. “no you cannot eat chips for lunch” don’t mean the same. When we clearly explain to children why they cannot do certain things, or why they are not allowed at the moment, you are helping them understand cause and effect. This will lead to better problem solving and it expands their comprehension.
Fourth, we model their behavior to them. One time, it was our director’s birthday. They suggested we surprise her by pretending no one was inside the room. Turned off the lights and they were hiding under the table. This one specific child was so excited and also stressed because she can’t decide where she will hide. She kept moving around and knocked the table where my laptop was nestled, and my laptop fell. I was surprised and my eyes grew big. I didn’t say anything because I was in shock and at the same time, mentally running a list of stores nearby where I can bring it for fixing if needed. She was scared and started crying. Gave her some time to settle down and I asked her why she was crying. She asked me “am I in trouble” and I got confused so I asked “why, what happened?!” “Because I broke your laptop.” (THANKFULLY IT WAS FINE!) So, I told her it was an accident, and the laptop was still okay, reminding her to be careful next time. “What did you think was going to happen? I asked later on. And this student told me that if it was their mom’s computer, they would get mad and yell. I assured her that I was not mad, and I know that it was an accident. I told her I was surprised and worried because I need my laptop to do my work.
Last but not the least, the way we respond to our children has something to do with how we were treated when we were young. The behavior that was modeled to us when we were at their age from the adults we regularly interact with becomes our norm. Usually, we carry it as we grow up and we pass it on. The best way for us to cope up with that is to be aware of our actions and reflect on how it might make us feel if it was done to us. In that way, it will help us be responsible for how we act and respond not only to our children but to everyone around us. When we can identify what triggers us or why it triggers us, we can distance ourselves if needed to regulate our emotions.
We have unpacked a lot of things here. The last part plays a very big role. It’s never too late to work on ourselves so we can project positive attributes to our children and to everyone around us. We got this!