By: Karissa Arce
Gentle parenting, positive parenting, authoritative parenting, I’m sure you’ve heard of those and it’s getting more and more popular these days. It has become a debate between boomers and millennials – which approach is better when it comes to raising children?
Some say that gentle parenting is not effective because the child does not learn how to obey and behave properly. Some say that gentle parenting is for lazy parents. Some people believe that punishment is the best way for children to learn their lesson. And for some, inflicting fear shows discipline.
But what do you think?
I did not learn how to apply gentle parenting from training and so on. I learned and understood the concept of gentle parenting through therapy sessions. Understanding how I respond to the outside world by identifying what triggers me and how those triggers were developed made a whole lot of sense when I started unpacking during therapy sessions. The things that I have learned, I applied it in my daily life, including my work life.
But what does it really mean to “gentle parent” a child?
When we say “gentle” we immediately think: no yelling, no punishment, no getting mad at, etc. While that is very ideal, we know very well that this is something that is not easy to attain. Gentle parenting is about correcting a child’s behavior WITHOUT humiliating them, saying hurtful/degrading words, avoiding being passive aggressive, non threatening/manipulative, and disrespectful. Yes, you can raise your voice when needed, you can be firm within reason, you can reprimand by being objective and you can call them out and promote awareness.
I say this far too many times – the way we respond to the child will become their norm and they will apply that as they grow older. Because it is in fact true. It is important that we are aware of our actions or that when we model a behavior to them, our objective and actions align. Let’s say you want your child to learn how to say thank you. You can explain to your child the concept of saying thank you but if you don’t practice it yourself, your child will probably not do it naturally. Simply because they don’t see how it is actually done.
“But I turned out well.” I hear this often. You are okay (hopefully) now because you learned to adapt. But are you really okay? Okay enough to not pass the stress to your child?
To gentle parent means to break the cycle of the parenting you experienced when you were young. Not because they are toxic but because you are aware of the impact it created in you. Here’s a personal example: When I was young, my parents would get disappointed at me when I couldn’t get things done the right way the first time. How did that affect me growing up? I became very conscious and wanted everything perfect. Early years of my teaching career, I felt frustrated whenever my students couldn’t get things easily. Eventually, I learned that it is totally okay to not get things right the first time and that you can keep trying until you get comfortable doing something and it will eventually be the outcome that you want. Applied that in teaching and boy, oh boy did my life get easier! My students were supported accordingly, and they didn’t feel the need to be correct every single time. They felt comfortable and they were able to excel better because they did not feel stressed. They welcome mistakes and view it as an opportunity to try again and do better. How did that benefit me personally? I put more emphasis on the process rather than the outcome.
To gentle parent means you are choosing better words to use when you are addressing concerns. Instead of saying “you could have done better” you can say, “I appreciate your effort in trying.” Instead of saying, “stop doing that” you can say “when you are hitting me, you are hurting me. We use our hands for helping, not for hitting.”
To gentle parent means you are teaching them to be aware of their actions instead of instilling fear. You are teaching them to create better choices and be accountable rather than to follow out of fear. Fear does not equate respect. Fear is fear. Respect happens when they understand what is expected of them and they acknowledge it and in return they will move comfortably and confidently. Following out of fear hinders their ability to think better because they are worried.
To gentle parent means to consistently try to help them learn how the world works instead of giving them dead end responses. To understand that they behave the way they behave because there is a need that they are trying to communicate instead of thinking they are trying to test your patience. Knowing that raising a child is not a walk in the park and things don’t happen overnight hence every day is another day to try for you and your child.
To gentle parents means to set boundaries and be firm within reason. It’s not all yes and smiles. Sometimes, it is necessary to raise your voice and experience tears from time to time. As long as you are correcting them with respect, acknowledging their feelings and also giving them safe space to express, you are allowing them to live the experience and they will learn from it.
To gentle parent means to raise a child that is emotionally and socially ready. No, they are not soft, they are reasonable and with compassion. They understand that being kind is the norm and helping others is a good way to bridge the gap.
We cannot unlearn what we know. But we can always come up with better ways on how we execute our actions. Our actions are our responsibility. If we want to be effective, we have to make sure that our words, thoughts and actions align towards each other. If you want to embrace gentle parenting, you have to be kind to yourself. Because gentle parenting starts from within.
