By: Karissa Arce
A lot of us find it challenging when it comes to managing our emotions. Be it happy, sad, frustrated, or excited, sometimes it can be challenging to contain and regulate the feeling. Some of us are able to develop a coping mechanism while some of us struggle. Some of us are able to identify why it makes us feel that way and verbalize it, some of us find it challenging to express and ask for help.
Often, parents would ask me how I manage challenging behaviors in school considering I have other students to attend to. Every now and then, some parents would confide in me their frustrations because they can’t handle their children when they are having a “tantrum” and they don’t know how to respond to them the right way because it ends up in more yelling, tears, and frustration on both sides.
I can honestly say I am not patient. How I am able to deal with challenging behaviors has nothing to do with patience (maybe just a little). What I do have is awareness. You can be patient and just ignore the child or you can be aware and help them address their big emotions. How does one become “aware”? I learned to recognize my own feelings. I learned how to narrow down my focus when I am feeling overwhelmed so I can think better, and I try to do it as often as I can. On some days I am successful, and, on some days, I believe I can try again.
Children are learning about the world. There are a myriad of emotions and most of the time they need help identifying what kind of emotion they are feeling. Teaching them to identify those emotions will help them express better, especially when needed. Please keep this in mind: a child that is acting up, throwing tantrums or being difficult does not mean they are bad. They are trying to communicate a need that they cannot fully express because they cannot identify it yet.
How can adults help?
First and foremost, you need to see it objectively – they are not acting up because they want to attack you or make you feel bad. It’s not about you, it’s about your child’s feelings. Oftentimes, when a child is frustrated, the immediate response of an adult is also to be frustrated as well. It can lead to being upset because you cannot understand what they are saying, or they are not responding to you. What you can do is you can try to observe the surroundings to look for possible clues or sources of your child’s frustration. Remember that when they are crying, it’s not always easy for them to say what they want to say (it happens for us adults too!) An alternative solution for this is you ask them a yes or no question based on your observation. Like “Were you playing with the blocks, and it fell on you?” “Were you trying to reach for your cup, and the table was too high?” “Are you left alone for a long while?” By asking questions, you will have a better idea on why your child might be upset and what help can you give them.
Validation of feelings. Sometimes we think that a child getting upset over little things is over the top. What we fail to realize is that it might look simple to us but for the child it’s a big deal – hence the feeling of frustration. When they are getting frustrated, let us try our best to avoid ignoring that feeling no matter how simple it is. Validate the emotions because it’s real and they are not wrong for feeling that way. “I can see that you are upset because Mr. Sun is hiding today.” (Yes, I had a student that threw a tantrum the whole day because it was a cloudy day) When you validate their feelings, you also teach them to express what they feel without worrying whether what they feel makes sense or not. When you do this consistently, they will be able to verbalize on their own and it will be easier for you to identify the reason. While you are validating their feelings you can also suggest what they can do instead or point out why it happened. “I can see that you are upset because Mr. Sun is hiding today. Maybe Mr. Sun is not feeling well today so he decided to rest behind the clouds. We can still play outside even if there’s no Mr. Sun. Let’s hope tomorrow he will show up to greet us, how’s that?” Give explanation and offer alternatives for them to learn how they can release or divert those feelings.
Give them time and space. To cool down is important. When a child is really upset and calming them down is difficult because they are too overwhelmed, step back and give them their time and space. “I can see that you are experiencing big emotions right now. I will give you some time alone to calm down. I’ll check up on you after 5 minutes, okay?” Give them the time and space then make sure to get back after. This is essential and beneficial on both sides – for adults, you might be feeling frustrated because you cannot get through to your child, having some time alone can help you calm down and get back on track. For children, when you set time, it helps them also to soothe their feelings. They might not know how long an actual 5 minutes would take, but they will use this time to calm down and get ready. If they are still not ready after some time, still recognize the need to extend and express your boundaries “It looks like 5 minutes is not enough because I can see that you are still inside the big feelings ball. That’s okay, I can give you another 5 minutes. But I want you to try and calm down so we can talk about what happened because I want to hear what you want to say and help you if I can. Thank you for trying your best.” Sometimes, the best thing for us to do is to wait when they are ready instead of rushing them to feel better because we want to get it over with or bombard them with questions. It is important for them to learn how to use alone time to calm themselves.
Process what happened. I always tell parents to process the situation especially if it involves an outburst of emotions. When you process what happened, you are teaching your child to learn how to identify cause and effect and possible solutions to lessen the probability of that happening again in the future.
Ysa: Thank you for calming yourself and popping the big ball of emotions. Now, can you tell why you got upset?
Hiero: Because today full of clouds.
Ysa: But yesterday was also a cloudy day and you were okay. What changed today?
Hiero: Because you said we will draw shadows outside. I cannot see my shadow when no sun.
Ysa: I see. You got upset because you wanted to do the shadow drawing activity. But because there was no sun, we couldn’t do it.
Hiero: We cannot do it anymore. No more.
Ysa: Actually, we can do it tomorrow too. It’s not only for today. We can always do it during our playground time if we bring some chalk. I understand that you were looking forward to doing this activity. It’s a bit sad that we can’t do it today, I was also looking forward to it. We can do it on a different day when Mr. Sun is no longer hiding. Okay?
Processing what happened helps you identify what trips your child’s emotions. It gives you an idea on the things that might trigger them and how much it will trigger them. Processing sets expectations, clarifies situations, and suggests possible solutions. Processing is not only suggested when they had tantrums, you should also process when they experienced something exciting, something scary, when there’s a big event happening or when there are going to be changes. Being aware of their feelings, how it might affect them, will help them cope up with changes better and will lessen the chances of being overwhelmed. When you process situations, you are able to name possible emotions that they might encounter. When they do feel that it will be easier for them to label that feeling and it will be translated into words.
Self-awareness is important – more important than having patience in my opinion. I am able to deal with young children every day because I am aware of my limits and I try my best to be objective especially when Mr. Sun does not want to show up. I learned a way on how to unpack my big emotions hence I can also model that to my students. I will say this again: a child that is acting up, throwing tantrums or being difficult does not mean they are bad. They are trying to communicate a need that they cannot fully express because they cannot identify it yet. Let’s try our best to help them develop awareness so they will grow up with a strong emotional foundation. For the meantime, I still need to have a word with Mr. Sun because that was a difficult day.
