By: Karissa Arce
Communication is essential but also very tricky. Most of the time we think we are expressing what we want/need but in reality, we are not saying enough, or we are not expressing clearly. Don’t get me wrong, comprehension is also essential (I’d like to say it’s extremely essential) to be able to grasp the communicated words or sometimes even actions – but what we fail to realize is that we need to supply enough details for the comprehension to be connected to the actual message being delivered.
Most of us adults are guilty of incomplete communication not only when talking to adults but also when we talk to children, and we are probably not aware of it as well. This is because most of us were also raised that way – we think it’s the norm, we adapt it, we put it in practice and then we encounter some conflicts from time to time – it becomes a cycle and most of us fail to recognize the actual problem: unclear messages.
When we talk to children, especially when we are relaying an important message that we want them to remember, it is essential that we give explanations. Yes, there should always be explanations. I know it can be tiring at times to keep explaining why but trust me, this is essential, and it will create good results in the long run. Why? Because they are learning to associate and process information. If you don’t explain to them why they can’t, they will not fully grasp the message hence the comprehension will not be developed as well.
I always tell parents to be specific when they are communicating. When you are reprimanding, praising, or giving instructions, always be specific. Are you fond of saying these words to your children?
|
Thank you! |
I’m sorry |
|
Good job! |
Stop doing that! |
|
Excellent! |
Very good! |
|
No |
I don’t like that |
| Be careful |
These phrases are not wrong to say. It’s just that it’s incomplete. How come? Even for us adults, this can be confusing sometimes but because we learn to assume, we think we understand what exactly we are being told, right? But let’s admit it, a lot of times, we also are clueless because these phrases are very general. So, imagine how children will process that? It will leave them hanging and clueless.
When I want to address something important, I see to it that I address the behavior or the action that I want to emphasize. Recognizing the behavior or the action helps children understand better what they need to stop doing or what action or behavior that you appreciate. This will encourage them later on to do the right thing based on the situation with or without anyone’s supervision – Integrity! Let’s try to put those phrases in actual situation to see the how this applies:
| Situation | Instead of just saying | Say this instead |
| After reading a book, your child returned it to the book rack | Thank you for doing that | Thank you for returning the book back on the book rack after you finished reading. |
| Your child’s artwork is on display at the exhibit | Good job!
Excellent! |
It’s nice that you used different colors on your drawing. I also noticed that you drew different lines as well. Can you tell me more about your work?
Engaging them to describe their work helps them learn how to explain their ideas. |
| At a crowded playground, your child is running around and climbing. | Be careful! | Watch where you put your hands and how you use your feet, okay? There are other children here and we don’t want anyone getting hurt. Try your best to stay alert and remember to be safe. |
| Your child keeps playing with his food during dinner time | Stop doing that!
I don’t like that! No |
Can you please stop playing with the food? Remember that food is for eating and not for playing. If you are going to continue playing with the food, I will take it away because you are not using it the right way. |
| Due to traffic, you missed your son’s performance. He was really excited for you to watch it. | I’m sorry | I’m sorry that I missed your performance. I was caught in traffic because I didn’t leave early. I will try my best next time to make it.
Accountability! ☺ |
Do you see the difference there? When you address the behavior or action, explain why it is okay and not okay, you are teaching your child to understand better that their actions, be it good or bad, have consequences.
There’s another important detail that I always tell parents to take note of while they do this practice of communication – always remove your personal feelings from the situation as much as possible. Keep in mind that when you are correcting a behavior, this is about your child and not about you. Let’s avoid saying “Please stop playing with the food because it makes me upset” or “Stop playing with the food. There are other children with no food, and you are just wasting yours” or “You make me proud when you behave.” When you make it about you or about other people, you are teaching your children to behave for approval instead of understanding that they are responsible for their actions. Instead of gaining confidence and taking ownership of their actions, this will teach them to please others or meet other people’s expectations – this is not good for their mental health.
I know this can be challenging especially since this is the practice a lot of us grew up on, breaking the cycle is not a walk in the park. Keep in mind that by doing so, you are raising future citizens who are mindful and aware. You are raising future generations of people who are accountable and respectful. This practice is not only for children, but also can be applied to adults. It is never too late to break that habit.
