By: Karissa Arce
What comes to mind when you hear the word consent?
What comes to mind when you hear the word consent for children?
As I grow older, I fully understand how consent is vital and it’s something that should be practiced on a regular basis and how it is connected to boundaries.
The idea of consent when it comes to children usually has something to do with them asking permission from adults, right? We teach them that if they want something, instead of just going for it, they must ask first for permission.
As an adult, do you also practice asking for their consent? Do you model the behavior for them to realize and understand that they can also give consent?
Oftentimes, this is something we overlook. I know that some will say “they are children, we don’t need to ask for their consent” or “they are just children, what do they know about that?!” The MORE we should be teaching them that consent goes both ways even if they are “just” a child. Remember: the things they experience while they are young will be their standard of what is normal. So, if we don’t teach them to be inclined with their own feelings and that they can also give consent, this will have a long-term effect on them that might not be favorable for them when they are older.
I used to just tell children what I want them to do without considering if they are comfortable about it. Because in my head, they will do it no matter what anyway. One time, we were busy preparing for our assembly performance. I have prepared the script and already preassigned the lines for each child. We started learning their lines and the things they will do. One child was particularly finding it challenging to remember his lines. Because I was more focused on making sure their presentation will be great, I decided to switch his lines with another child without asking first if it’s okay. Their performance was fantastic, but the child felt bad because she was excited to say her lines, but I changed it to accommodate another child.
During the early years stage, this is where they learn about the world. How things are connected and the diversity around them. While we are busy teaching them how the world works, and how they should behave or act, we must also teach them the importance of knowing how they feel, understanding how they feel and communicating those feelings. We should teach them that their feelings matter and if they are not comfortable, it is okay to say NO.
Asking for the child’s permission will help them learn that they have boundaries too. Imagine this scenario:
- Some of your friends visited you. It’s the first time they get to meet your daughter. You told your daughter to say hi to them to be polite.
- You’re at the park together with other mums and the children are playing. One mum was giving everyone a cute shirt and told everyone to wear them for picture taking. The mum asked for your permission for your child to wear the shirt.
Both look like very simple situations, right?
What we don’t see here is the lack of asking consent from the child. The first scenario is very common. We often tell our children to acknowledge other people because we don’t want them to look like they are not sociable and to not appear rude. What we fail to see here is that not all children are okay when it comes to greeting other people on the spot. Some of them take time and some need assistance. (This even happens to adults) How do we practice consent in this situation? Instead of telling your child to “Say hi!” you can say this: “Do you want to say hi to my friends?” or “Are you ready to greet my friends now? If not, you can do it later when you are ready.” By saying these things, you are respecting your child’s feelings and also giving them time to be ready.
The second one is another common situation – asking the parent if it’s okay but not the child. Sometimes, even if it’s okay for the parents, it does not automatically translate that the child is okay with it as well. Especially since it’s the child who will be wearing the shirt and NOT the parent, even more so that you should also consider the child’s permission on it. We often disregard the child because we tend to value the approval of the parent more.
I make it a habit to model the use of consent whether I am around adults or children. I do pay more emphasis when I am around children. Sometimes, even a simple high five, I make sure to ask permission from them. And if I catch myself forgetting to do that, I see to it that I apologize to the child. They might not understand right away why I am apologizing because I forgot, but eventually, it will click, and they will also do it when they are aware that they forgot to ask consent – having awareness and accountability.
There are some moments where there are things that I want them to do. So, when I ask for their consent, I also include an explanation to express my reason behind it. I know that it’s still up to them, but my goal is for them to understand that there might be some other important reason why I am asking them to do something and give them time to analyze how they will feel about it. Here are some examples:
“Hi Gold! Is it okay if you switch seats with Ayesha? She can’t see well, and your spot is actually going to help her better.”
“Chloe, I’m going to partner you up with Aaron this time. He needs some guide with his sight words maze. Do you think you can help him?”
“I am feeling a little bit low on energy today because my pet dog passed away and it’s really sad that I am far away and did not see him before it happened. Is it okay if I get a quick hug to help me feel better?”
Something I tell my students whenever we talk about asking permission: It’s okay to say NO when you are not comfortable and it’s also okay if somebody tells us NO because they are not comfortable. What you feel matters, and what others feel, we should respect.
Teaching consent is important. Asking for their consent is crucial – I cannot stress this enough. When we teach children the value of consent and how this applies to them as well, we are teaching them how to respect others. Let’s focus more on teaching children what they control – their emotions, actions, feelings, decisions, words – rather than how to reach social expectations. Teach them to be mindful and to be aware. Once they have those skills, the rest will follow. Let’s focus more on teaching our children how to be humane rather than fitting into society even if it means violating their boundaries and feelings. Just because they are children, does not mean their feelings can be disregarded. Think about it.
