By: Karissa Arce
As an adult, we are expected to “know better” and to “act better” especially when it comes to dealing with unfavorable situations. In an ideal situation, sure. But in reality?! That sounds chaotic.
I often get asked by parents “how do you deal with a child that is challenging?” I’m not going to lie, I also have moments where I get so triggered by my students and the urge to get mad is there. That is because: a) When I was young, my parents’ response when I did something, even if it was an accident, was to get mad, and b) I was not taught how to regulate my emotions. The things I learned when I was young became the norm because that was what was modeled to me. Unlearning those things was not possible (how can you unlearn something you know?!) BUT understanding the effect and discovering ways on how to manage emotions better was the viable solution.
It’s true, working with children can be very taxing. I often get told “you must be very patient” to which I always respond, “I’m not.” Because it’s true – I am not patient. HOWEVER, I do have an understanding and awareness that their needs are different from my needs. Being patient and being aware are 2 different things. You can be patient and ignore a child’s tantrum OR you can be aware that there is a certain need they are trying to communicate. That’s how I manage to work my way around children. I listen, observe, and communicate so I can gain a better understanding of what they need.
I had a parent before who turned me into her “therapist.” Every day we chat about her frustrations in dealing with her son. I lost count on the amount of times she said this: “My son is testing me” whenever she was airing out her frustrations.
I can understand when parents feel this way. In general, this is a normal human response. It has something to do with the adults around us when we were young and how they modeled certain behaviors to us that became our norm.
Like I said earlier, you cannot unlearn these practices BUT you can develop a better coping mechanism. And let me tell you, developing a coping mechanism is a continuous process. On some days you can be objective and not get triggered, and some days, well, it’s a daily struggle.
When a child is showing challenging behavior, our immediate response is usually to pacify the behavior because it triggers us. In situations like this, as much as possible I try to pause and listen to my body. I listen to how my body responds to whatever the child is doing. Our nervous system usually reacts whenever we feel agitated or uncomfortable. Do you notice that? It’s like there’s a buildup of tension and it needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. “The sound of the whining is making me feel frustrated. It is draining my energy and I want to yell at her so she will stop.”
Once I am aware of what I want to do or how I want to release that tension, I think of ways on how I can regulate those feelings better. Maybe take deep breaths, drink a glass of water, do some stretching or even eat a chocolate. The main goal is to find an alternative solution where you can regulate in a better way and will help your nervous system relax. Sometimes, if it gets really frustrating, it is okay to remove yourself in that environment – kind of like a self time out. Because you cannot help a frustrated child when you are also frustrated. One of you needs to be in a calmer mood. Find ways on how you can cope with your frustration so you will not pass it on to others as much as possible.
When you are ready, and you have calmed down, now you can respond nicely. Remember to respond with intention. Keep in mind that the intention you set should help create an open communication to clarify and not create more conflict. “I noticed that you were using your big voice earlier. You seemed upset about something and I have no idea what it is about. Can you tell me about it? I would like to help you out if I can.” Create a safe space for them to express. If they are not yet ready, give them time and let them regulate their feelings.
When you actively show children how you regulate your feelings, you are also teaching them how they can manage theirs – modeling the behavior. I remind parents to change the narrative of “my child is testing me” to “my child is trying to communicate a need. It’s not about me.” Because if we think that way (the first one), it will be harder for us to be objective. Remember, how we respond to them will be their norm and they will most likely practice that norm when they are older. Let’s try to teach them a better way on how they can manage their triggers by managing our own triggers in a healthy way.
