During our parent workshop, we gave parents two scenarios and asked them to show us how they would deal with the situation via role playing. It was pretty interesting because after the activity, most of the parents came up with their conclusion based on their observation from each other. Needless to say, they learned from each other’s presentation without us scaffolding any insights.
So, are you a telling kind of parent or an asking kind?
Here’s the scenario:
You developed a nightly routine for your child before bedtime. There are many instances where your child forgets their routine. How will you deal with this situation?
Telling parent: “Why do you always forget what to do? You do this every night. I told you to remember it because it’s important! You are making me upset. Do it now.
Asking parent: Alright kiddo, time for bed. What’s on your bedtime routine?
At dinner time, your child started playing with their food that ended up creating a lot of mess. How will you handle this?
Telling parent: Stop doing that! How many times do I have to tell you not to play with your food? That’s it, you will not have any food.
Asking parent: What are we doing with the food? Is this really how we handle our food? Is there something you want to tell me, or you need help with?
A telling parent is someone who likes to use the words “always” and “never” whenever they are addressing conflicts or situations with their child. The way they communicate with their children would usually involve unsupportive feedback. If they ask questions, it’s usually blaming the child for something they fail to do. They tell children what to do or how to do. Phrases like “Why do you ALWAYS do this?” “You NEVER listen to me” can cause a lot of damage to your child’s mental health and emotions.
An asking parent is someone who would give reminders in the form of questions. They ask because they want to know and understand the reasoning behind the behavior being shown. They ask because they want to plan on how they can help their child better.
According to the parents who shared their insights, telling parents are also considered as controlling parents. The possible reason why they react this certain way has something to do with their impulse to make sure that everything should be correct because this is also something they have experienced before – passing down generational trauma. Whereas telling parents, they can navigate through their emotions better which explains why they respond differently when things don’t go according to plan. Asking parents teach their children to take responsibility by asking them their game plan instead of telling them what to do.
What fascinated me the most was the amount of safe space these parents have towards each other while exchanging ideas. To share their personal experiences and how they deal with it without feeling embarrassed because they might be judged, I was proud of them for sharing.
And what was the takeaway after the workshop? I’ll share to you one really interesting insight from a parent:
“As a parent of 3, I just realized today that I am more of a telling parent. Aside from this is something I have experienced growing up, I continued it because I thought it works for me too. But seeing how it creates a frustration in me, I now understand that it is not working for me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable every time situations like this arise. I also learned today that the use of “always” and “never” especially in tense situations will create more damage than good because it will affect how one thinks of themselves – again, I also know this because I too feel this. Understanding how my action towards my children has something to do with how I handle things in general is a good eye opener. Switching to an asking parent imposes a lot of challenges because it’s a new practice that I have to get used to, but I see how it makes more sense. Baby steps. ☺”
