“Saying goodbye to Mama when she goes to work is sad. It feels sad for Mama too.”
“It’s really hard to watch someone play with a toy that you want to use. I know it makes you feel frustrated. Sometimes it doesn’t feel fair when it’s not your turn.”
“I know you want to go out right now and play. I just need to finish putting away the groceries and we’ll go together.”
“Sometimes, it’s normal to not be invited to play together because they don’t feel ready to be with you. “
“I know it makes you feel bad that you did not win. It’s a valid feeling.”
“I understand that you are mad right now because I did not buy the toy you wanted. Mama does not have the money to buy it.”
“You worked so hard building that tower and it fell down.”
“I can see that you are not yet ready to tell me what happened.”
“I’m sorry that the weather is not cooperating today. I know you’ve been wanting to visit grandma.”
The key to building emotional resilience is knowing we are safe to feel the hard stuff, learn how to be in it and then move through it. Most of us are reaction fixers – the moment we sense the child is feeling sad or uncomfortable, we want to remedy it right away. It is a natural response to want to rescue the people we care about from feeling hard things. However, we are also teaching them to avoid that feeling. What we don’t see is that the more we ignore that big emotion, the more we will feel it and it will affect our body.
Most of us are used to telling children what they should feel or how they should feel. Sometimes we do this to prevent any breakdown or to “toughen them up.” Phrases like “you’re okay, that didn’t hurt so much” “it’s just a scratch” “you don’t need to cry, you did this before” creates an understanding that what they feel does not matter so they should suppress it and ignore it. This might do them harm in the future because this can lead to tolerating abusive behaviors.
Teach your children how to regulate those feelings. Recognize that they might be struggling but take a step back and don’t solve it for them. Validating their experience, letting them express it without being judged, shamed, or even being blamed gives them a sense of security that what they are feeling is totally okay. Eventually, they will learn how to navigate those hard feelings with confidence. I see you. I hear you. I understand.
