By: Karissa Arce
Are you fond of saying “NO!”, “You can’t do that” and “STOP!” when you are telling your child to avoid whatever they are doing? I used to do that. I used to say those phrases to my students, and I eventually realized how it was extremely ineffective.
In what way is it ineffective? Whenever we tell children “NO” or we basically hinder them from doing what they want to do, the more they will be curious and chances are, they will do it again. What I learned from this practice is to give them redirection – instead of saying no or telling them to stop, I tell them the possible consequence of their action AND THEN suggest what they can do instead. Giving them other ideas on how they can express or release that energy will help them regulate themselves and will also give them alternatives.
It might sound more tiring because it will require explanation and quick problem solving but trust me, this is very helpful. This will reinforce responsible decision making when it comes to their actions and awareness on what they can do.
Let me show you how to use redirection in different situations.
1. Suggesting instead of saying NO, DON’T DO THAT or STOP
| Instead of saying: | Try this! |
| Stop running! | How about you use your walking feet? |
| Don’t play with your food! | If you are done eating/you don’t like your food, you can leave the table and maybe play some blocks? |
| Stop jumping on the bed! | I can see that you are not using the bed the right way. If you want to keep jumping, you can do that on the floor because if your bed breaks, you won’t have a bed to sleep in. |
| Don’t hit your brother! | I can see that you are frustrated right now and hitting your brother is not nice. Our hands are used for helping and showing love. If you are still frustrated and you want to release that energy, you can hit a pillow. |
Giving children other ideas instead of just telling them to stop will encourage them to problem solve on their own eventually. Saying just no, don’t and stop is unclear and incomplete. Remember, they often need to be reminded of why they can’t do a certain thing. And if you provide alternative solutions, they won’t feel fully restricted.
2. Changing “IF” to “WHEN”
| Instead of saying: | Try this! |
| If you don’t finish your food, you can’t eat your sweets. | When you are done eating your food, then you can eat your sweets. |
| If you don’t take a nap, you will not have play time. | When you wake up from your nap, you will have play time. |
| If you don’t listen to me, I will get mad at you | When you use your listening ears and you remember what I tell you, I don’t have to say it again and again. |
While this might sound similar, they are actually VERY different. It conveys two different messages. One is nicer, more polite, and shows natural continuation while the other one is insisting and conditioning the child to follow by inflicting stress.
3. State the facts
| Instead of saying: | Try this! |
| You made your friend sad! | It looks like your friend was not yet done using the spray bottle when you took it. He looks upset about it. |
| You made Liam cry. | When you continued to tease Liam even when he already told you to stop, it made him feel bad because you were not listening to him. |
This one can be a bit tricky sometimes because there are incidents that happen where you are not around to see it. When this is the case, what I usually do is I ask the children to tell me the best way they can. Using redirection in this situation is crucial because it is important for the child to understand the cause and effect of their actions. By stating the turn of events, it will help them understand better the impact of their actions. It also removes the possibility of making the child feel they are being blamed – it is easier for a person to take responsibility for their actions when they don’t feel pressured or guilted.
4. Model Regulations
| Instead of saying: | Try this! |
| It’s just a dog, don’t be scared! | I can see that you’re scared. Would you like to wiggle your body to help you release those feelings? |
| Stop crying, you’re fine now. | I can see that this made you upset. Would you like to take deep breaths with me to help you feel calm? |
A child that is feeling stressed will benefit from suggestions on how they can calm down instead of telling them to stop what they are feeling (it’s like telling an angry adult to “calm down” – we all know this is NOT helpful). When you tell the child to stop feeling what they are feeling or to not feel what they are feeling, you are also invalidating their experience – keep in mind that all emotions are valid. Just because you don’t feel the same doesn’t mean theirs are not reasonable or valid. Try offering to regulate that stress together if possible. If they are not ready or not comfortable doing it with you, give them space and let them regulate on their own.
I know practicing redirection can be a challenging task for adults. Especially if you did not grow up using this practice. I learned to use this approach not only when I am dealing with children but also when I deal with adults and with myself – helped me understand better how this practice is more proactive especially when I am dealing with other people.
Children need regular guidance. Redirection creates an avenue of mindful guidance for children. It does not invalidate; it promotes positive and respectful communication and it does not limit your child on what they can do.
